Bringing Forth the Subconscious: Reflecting on reflecting about Plan decisions that seemed to happen without a lot of thought

Hi hi hi people who have decided to read this annoying blog about my life that I rarely consistently update! Bless you all.

These next few days are going to be full of hard work. Geraldine wants a full draft of my Antony and Cleopatra paper by Wednesday (and Queen Elizabeth presentation for Monday), T. needs at least two chapters by Tuesday, and Sean doesn't exactly know this but he needs me to catch-up on my Latin vocab by next week...and I still haven't seen Thor 2. 

Amidst all this craziness I was looking through my  Fall 2012 semester folder, and stumbled upon an exercise Paul Nelsen had me do during Plan Seminar that semester. Reading it over inspired me anew on these projects that I've been working on or toward for two years. And since I really can't procrastinate any more, I copied and pasted it below. Now it's time for PLAN PLAN PLAN. Enjoy!

October 25th, 2012

How I Got to My Plan Project

            My main Plan project is writing a YA historical fiction novel about a girl who goes back in time to the original production of Shakespeare. There’s a lot more to the story than that, but that sentence is what I use to get the idea across to people – I want them to know that what I’m writing is fun, but also an academic project. Which is exactly what this project is so far – it’s the kind of piece I’ve always wanted to write, and further, it encompasses a lot of what I’ve become interested in as my college experience has progressed: Shakespeare, historical context, fiction, grammar, linguistics, etc. It’s everything I was hoping Plan would be for me, but recently I’ve noticed that I have absolutely no idea how I came to decide on this project. In this piece of writing, I want to try and figure that out.

            I’ve never written Young Adult work before this piece. I have mainly written stories close to my real life experiences – mostly taking a moment from a relationship that I had with a guy and writing about it, changing the names or slight details so that I didn’t feel guilty/like I was plagiarizing these guys by writing them as characters. But last semester I grew tired of this kind of writing. I wanted to write something I felt was more fiction, and less just dramatizing my own experiences. So when I thought about what I wanted to do for Plan, I thought about writing something for a slightly younger set of people. When I was in high school, I’d written a fairytale play for middle schoolers, which worked out really well. Writing for people just a tad younger than me made sense.  And I had a little bit of authority and reflection on being a high schooler, so that’s where I placed my story. There’s also a pretty strong link between drama and teenagers, in more ways than one.

            My decision to use Hamlet mostly comes from my own experience. The first time I fell in love with Shakespeare I was commuting on the way home from school. As I began the play, I felt myself disappearing into the text, furiously making notes, only coming up for air when I needed to change trains or get on a bus. This moment was magical for me. I want my main character to have that moment with the play that I did; I want to capture what it’s like to feel a connection to a text. From that feeling came the idea that reading literature is so magical that it could accomplish amazing things...like taking a character back in time.

           Write what you know. It’s the rule I have always followed – it’s a rule preached by many creative writing teachers, and it’s one that works for me. This project stays safely in that rule, while the same time spectacularly breaking it. I know high school, I know high school relationships, I know the life of a kid in theatre. I know everything I need to know to write Emma and Emma’s world in. But before I began my research, I knew comparatively nothing about life in the Elizabethan world. However, I think historical fiction was always something I unconsciously wanted to do – so many times as a kid I would start writing a fantasy story, only to throw it away because it didn’t feel “legitimate” or "real enough." I’m realizing now that I wasn’t satisfied with my writing because it wasn’t backed up by research – and the writing I’m doing now is, and it’s the kind of writing I've been trying to do since I was 10.

            So this is the semi-unconscious process I went through in deciding what to write my Plan about. Other details went into it: a character popped out at me, a thought about a past crush that I wanted to express, the realization that Shakespeare was a historical fiction author himself. All of this went into me walking into T.’s office one morning and saying, “I’ve got an idea.”

Blow It Apart Y'all

Hey y'all!

First of all, I'd like to say that since starting my first-ever Latin course this fall, I now truly appreciate the word "y'all" and am committed to using it more than ever. "Y'all" is awesome for at least two reasons:

1) In Latin, there is a plural second-person that is different from the singular second-person. In English, we've just got "you" to cover everything, but Latin has a distinction between the two. It's seriously useful, and I get to translate plural second-person to "y'all" making translation way more fun.

2) "Y'all" is a great alternative to using "guys" or "you guys" to address a group of people. Why would you need an alternative? Because when one says "you guys" one is probably not only addressing male-identified humans. Ever since this was pointed out to me, I've been trying very hard to strike "you guys"/"guys" from my personal vocabulary. "Y'all" is awesome, because it carries no gender specification. Plus, it's just fun to say, right?

All right, ranting aside, this semester is already about a month in. Mid-term evals are due in about two weeks, which is terrifying. On the one hand, I do feel settled into my classes, on the other, it feels like I haven't made nearly enough progress. This semester's line-up looks like this:

Plan Seminar: reading the Norton Anthology of English Literature. Which I really should be reading right now...but you've seen the title of this blog, right?

Latin 1A: I now know how to translate "errāre est humanum." ("To error is human.") Which is good, because I feel like it's a good excuse for when I mess up in this class.

Fiction Workshop: This is the third time I've taken this class. When that happens at Marlboro, we're allowed to change the name of the class in our transcripts. Maybe I'll change it to something like, "Alien Fiction Workshop" and leave it semi-ambiguous.

Novel Writing Tutorial: This is going really well. I think.

Advanced Shakespeare Tutorial: This class is what the title of this blog refers to. Here's why:

So Advanced Shakespeare Tutorial is my tutorial for writing my critical lit Plan paper. Which is, as previously mentioned several hundred times, about William Shakespeare's Antony and Cleopatra. I'm arguing for an interpretation of the play where Cleopatra is considered a tragic hero. It's a great topic, and I love reading and writing about it.

Last semester, I had finished a 30-page draft of this paper, and I felt pretty good about it. Good enough that I felt like it would be done after a few more weeks worth of at-Marlboro work. Then I decided to take another semester.

Sections that I had considered nearly-done, are now back in draft-phase. I'm reading a new selection of dense philosophy texts to apply to the Aristotle's Poetics section. I'm spending my time trying to answer questions like: what is history vs. fiction? and trying to define the phrase imitation of action. It's thrilling reading and writing but y'all, I am blowing apart my paper. 

And it's scary, but I'm hoping that what results from the wreckage is a stronger argument, and a touch more pretentiousness.

It's Happening Again

Here I am, a day away from the beginning of my Senior 1 semester! I'm so excited to begin my Plan work! I hope I don't procrastinate too much! Blahblahblah sources! Omg Plan is not as hard as you think it is -- wait, wait, it's way harder than you think it is!

My life has become Ground Hog Day and/or an episode of Doctor Who. (Don't tell me if there's a Ground Hog Day Doctor Who episode -- I'm only just finishing series 4.)

If I told my last-year self that I would be taking an extra semester and finishing up in May 2014, I think Last-Year Molly would be really annoyed, and a little bit heartbroken. My horrible health started when I came to Marlboro, for a variety of reasons, and my goal was always to push through it and get my schoolwork done and graduate as planned. I had this thing about not letting my health "defeat" me.

And then on the plane home from my research trip to London in May, I had a seizure. The British Airways flight attendant who saw it was calm, and sweetly said, "What just happened, love?" I didn't really know what happened; I thought I was going to die. Luckily, I didn't, and what followed was a series of weeks where I felt very dizzy and had to go to the doctor a lot.

We found out there wasn't one big reason I had a seizure. My brain was/is functioning as per usual. I most likely I had a seizure because my body dealt with big stress in London. Not big stress for healthy people, but big stress for an unhealthy/healing person: jet-lag, long days, lots of walking, a less-than-stellar diet, a few bad allergic reactions, and a broken air purifier. All of that = seizure on the plane.

I've spent the rest of the summer trying to take good care of myself, and a lot of that has paid off! I can run 5 miles now, which beats my record from before I became unhealthy. I feel a lot steadier physically and mentally. But over the course of these weeks I did a lot of thinking. I realized my Plan work over the past year has been rewarding, but it was difficult and done in spurts in between allergic reactions and bad fevers and colds. I realized I wanted a year where I could actually do what I wanted to do when I came to Marlboro: work. And enjoy the work. And enjoy the community and people around me without taking on unneeded stress. And I realized if I tried to finish in December, I could probably do it, but with the risk of putting my body in another compromising position.

My parents, Geraldine, and Paul were super supportive of the plan (Plan!) to stay till May, and so here I am, almost at the beginning of my Senior 1 semester again. It feels more like semester 2 of 3 though -- I know what I'm doing for the most part, and now I can do it at a steady pace and get into it. Which is what I was supposed to be doing in the first place.

I'm at a much different place when it comes to my health now. It's not "defeating" me if I take time to take care of myself. It's not me against my health status -- I am my health status, and if I'm working against myself it only gets worse. It's OK to go a little slower than what I wanted. Being alive throws a lot at you and things change.

Anyway, sorry this post is so horribly long, but I felt like I needed to get this out there if I wanted to keep writing in my Plog (Plan Blog). And I have a goal to do a weekly update now -- not sure what day, it'll depend on my schedule, which I'll find out this week. Harriet and I leave tomorrow for Marlboro around 6am -- and it all begins again! Allons-y!

(As a side-note: my disability requests are finally happening this year, and I get to live in an awesome allergy-free apartment suite with great roommates, and that I get to eat in the dining hall for lunch :D)

There and Back Again: London and the Beginning of Summer

Hey all!

It's June 18th and my novel needs writing. Hence, I'm writing a blogpost instead. Perhaps you're dying to hear details about my adventure in London! Well, to hear about them you'd have ask me to have lunch or something. But for those busier, or less socially inclined (and let's be real, I'm among you), check out these tumblr posts for the play-by-play of my trip days:
Days 1 + 2
Days 3 + 4
Days 5, 6 + 7
Days 8 + 9

Now that I'm home, and have been to a billion doctor's appointments (and have more lined up already, huzzah!) I'm onto, in my opinion, the most dangerous part of Plan. Left on my own, floating in the treacherous academic space known as Summer Vacation.

Except it's not a vacation, not for Plan students, anyway. I used to think it was a good thing that I'm graduating in December -- I get two whole more months more than the spring graduates get to work on Plan! But now I'm seeing the draw-backs. It's summer. I just want to lie around reading YA lit, or take my little sister to the beach, or work and make some monies, or tool around Boston...

But no! I can do some of that, but I absolutely must stay on track. I haven't done a great job of it so far, but it's time to turn things around. It was hard, because Nell and I switched rooms directly after I got home from England, and I'm still sorting through everything because I spent a day painting.
(New color, for those interested:

Behind the angry looking cat. It's the same color of the ceiling of the Chapel Royal in Hampton Court, which inspired the ceiling for the recreation of The Globe.  *Nerd dances*)

So let's see...

This week I need to write write write my novel every day. Today, too, although I'm getting sleepy already. Thursday I have meeting with one of my best friends and a bunch of weirdo actors (just kidding, I love them) for my independent project. Sometime between now and then I need to re-read Romeo and Juliet and do some prep work for the meeting. My R + J Arden just came in the mail today so I guess I should get going on that...

That's where I'm at. Write write write my novel and work on my independent. My regular job might not start for another month, and in the mean-time I have a part-time clerical assistant position so I can keep myself afloat and save. I also need to learn to drive this summer, and start running again.

This is all do-able right? I feel like I'm about to keel over already, but I'm oddly pumped for the madness.

The One About Hard Times and Thankfulness and Love That's Really Cheesey

My semester ended two days ago, but somehow I am still procrastinating. At the beginning of the semester, I had a goal to finish my critical paper by summer vacation. I failed to meet that goal, and when I expressed my disappointment about this to Paul, he was surprised, and said:
"You shouldn't finish anything Senior 1 -- you need to keep learning. You don't finish ever, really. At some point you'll have a deadline and you'll take everything you've learned until that point and package it in a paper. But you won't be done learning. It will just keep going."

So Antony and Cleopatra and I are going to spend a lot more time together this summer. I should be spending time with it now, but I've been feeling the itch to write something sentimental. Time to scratch (I am disgusted with myself for so readily using the metaphor of an itch. But ah well, welcome to the life of an allergic person).

This semester almost didn't happen. It was so very close to not happening. About a week before RAs were due to return in January, my parents asked me to think about whether I could handle being back at school. They were concerned -- my health was a mess, and it was wreaking havoc on my physical and mental stability. But I was stubborn, and told them I wanted needed to be back at school. They told me I could have a few trial weeks to see how I did.

Then Jon and I broke up, almost immediately after I got to campus. I called my mom, and this time she told me she thought I needed to stay. I was scared of being at Marlboro all by myself, but eventually I agreed with her -- I figured it was better to have things to do than to go home. So it was with poor health, a lot of sadness, and a good amount of Plan terror that this semester started.

And I'd like to say I ended up in a great place, with great health, a mended heart, and complete control of Plan. None of that is true though. But what is true is this:

I'm actually starting to get better. My health problems and symptoms are still there, but they're slowly healing and going away. I no longer freak out when I have an allergic reaction. Sometimes, when I have small ones, I don't even take benadryl, and just calmly wait for it to go away. And I know now that I have OCD and anxiety, and knowledge is power.

Like my health problems, my sadness about that relationship ending is slowly healing too. It's still there. Sometimes it still hurts a lot. But I know so much more now than before, and I try not to dwell on regret.

Plan is CRAZY and I have nightmares about my orals. But I also love it. I love it so much. I love it more than I ever thought I would.

Most importantly, this semester I realized I am not alone at all. I am surrounded by people at Marlboro, people back home, and people all over. I'm packing now, and I just took down cards and letters of support that wonderful people sent me that I tacked on my wall. My family, friends, Plan sponsors, support people,  bosses, and doctor stepped in and saved me. They helped me find strength. Thank you all so much for your help. I know now that I'm going to be OK. I can tell myself that and believe it. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

And thank you Harriet, for living in a tiny room with me this semester and staring at me with that look of hatred, and licking my face when I cried (even though we both know you did that because you like salt).  You are the best little friend I could ask for, even if you are so very evil.

Bad Plan Dream #2

It's fitting that I have another one of these as the semester ends. I'm starting to stay up late at night, stuck in thought about my projects, orals, summer, and final semester. The result of which, last night, was this:

My orals were happening. Paul and Gloria were there as my sponsors, but no Geraldine, T., or Brian which was terrifying because there was no fiction professor to help me talk about my novel, and no lit professor to help me talk about my paper. Also, I love Gloria she's the the nicest, but I've never taken a class with her and she has zero to do with my Plan.

My outside examiner was a scary woman with angular orange hair. She didn't tell me her name.

I suddenly became aware that the work we were looking at was everything I had managed to half-create Sr. 1 semester. Meaning, my first draft of my novel with 17 pages of my second draft and my not-finished critical paper. Orang-hair-woman asked me one question about the novel, and I thought I answered it pretty well.

That was it.  The orals were over, and I didn't leave, they just started talking about my grade. My outside examiner said..."I think...C."

"Really? C?" I said.

"Yes," she said, firmly. 

Paul gave me an A and Gloria did too, and then Gloria went to write my final grade on a piece of paper, and instead of writing one letter she wrote, "C, A, B, G, E, F" in bubble letters.

"This isn't how orals are supposed to go!!" I cried.

Paul agreed and told me we'd do them again, and immediately got on the phone and called Geraldine and then started calling new outside examiners. The scary orange-hair-C-woman left and I cowered in a corner.

The end.

I woke up shaking. I hate my subconscious.

The End of Senior 1

Classes are over! And of course, the day classes ended I came down with a fever and a sore throat that developed into the worst four days ever with no end in sight. Thanks again, immune system. Always there when I need you.

With the semester technically over, I have one week left at Marlboro before the summer. I'm hoping at least a few days of that will be sans-fever, but history shows that is usually too much to hope for.

Confined to my bed and unable to think or write critically about Shakespeare or Aristotle, I decided to write a little about how Plan is going. Which will be a nice break from re-reading Mockingjay and watching Arrested Development (yes, I'm aware these are awesome past-times. If I wasn't so sick I would be enjoying this a lot more [also, let's be real I just made the Netflix window smaller and am watching AD while writing this]).

So at the end of Sr. 1, here's where I'm at:

1. Novel
Officially calling it a novel now! Not short story or novella or short novel. It's a novel. Huzzah! I've finally started writing the second draft, and I'm writing it in...past tense (GASP!). I'm hoping to have this draft done by the end of June, which will set me up to have a third draft done by the time I mail. Or maybe the second draft will be so good I won't have to write a third! ...I can delude myself, can't I? Shush.

2. Antony and Cleopatra/Plutarch/Aristotle Paper

I got really inspired watching all of the Senior 2s finish their Plan papers. The last two weeks of school I was really grooving on this paper, and working really hard to get it all the way to a state of polished-draft. Unfortunately, when I needed to make that final push, I came down with this yuck. Luckily I'm taking progress grades, so I can submit the paper as-is and then work on it more next week (please please please be semi-healthy by then Molly's body. THANKS). It's getting pretty long now, 30 pages and counting, so that's cool, and I'm actually enjoying writing it, which is even cooler.

3. Lesson Plans and Reflections
So added into my Plan is the week of classes I taught for Geraldine's Shakespeare course. 5% of my Plan is now made-up of 25 pages of my lesson plans and teaching reflections. I have some small edits to do, but it's all drafted and nearly done, which is great. Good job, Past Molly.

4. Independent Project -- Romeo and Juliet Summary Video
I'm working on this over the summer, so nothing much has been done except some decisions on how I want to proceed with the project. But now we're on the cusp of summer (EEP) so after this fever is done it's time to get going. The first step is re-reading Romeo and Juliet and taking notes, and doing some general online investigation of other R + J/Shakespeare summaries. I get to read Sparknotes and No Fear Shakespeare! Which feels really wrong, since I'm a hardcore Shakespeare student, but whatever, it's gonna be fun.

5. London Trip
My trip to London with Paul is May 27th-June 5th, and I could not be more excited. Everything I learn there will, ideally, influence and inform my novel a lot. And I'll probably end-up making some kind of creative reflection essay about the trip (with photos!). We're seeing ALL THE MUSEUMS and ALL THE SHOWS. Highlights include: The Tempest and A Midsummer Night's Dream at The Globe, Othello at the National Theatre, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, and Peter and Alice. I can't believe we're leaving in a little more than two weeks. AHH SO EXCITED IMMUNE SYSTEM GET IT TOGETHER SO I HAVE ALL THE ENERGY!!

So that's Plan! Before I got sick I was feeling really confident about getting it all done. My professors and sponsors and academic all-star coach tell me that I'm in great shape, but it's hard to believe when it feels like there's so much more to do. But all in all, it's been a rough semester and I've drafted most of my Plan in spite of that. I haz a pride.

That's all for now! I'm sure I'll feel compelled to write a soppy post about the non-academic side of the semester ending next week. In the mean time I'll go back to watching Buster Bluth mow down a bunch of children in a soccer game. After that I'll be reading about the 76th Annual Hunger Games (yes, I'm at that point in the book. It's all about to go down. I'd be preparing myself for tears if I wasn't so dehydrated).

NO PRIM NO!!!!!