My semester ended two days ago, but somehow I am still procrastinating. At the beginning of the semester, I had a goal to finish my critical paper by summer vacation. I failed to meet that goal, and when I expressed my disappointment about this to Paul, he was surprised, and said:
"You shouldn't finish anything Senior 1 -- you need to keep learning. You don't finish ever, really. At some point you'll have a deadline and you'll take everything you've learned until that point and package it in a paper. But you won't be done learning. It will just keep going."
So Antony and Cleopatra and I are going to spend a lot more time together this summer. I should be spending time with it now, but I've been feeling the itch to write something sentimental. Time to scratch (I am disgusted with myself for so readily using the metaphor of an itch. But ah well, welcome to the life of an allergic person).
This semester almost didn't happen. It was so very close to not happening. About a week before RAs were due to return in January, my parents asked me to think about whether I could handle being back at school. They were concerned -- my health was a mess, and it was wreaking havoc on my physical and mental stability. But I was stubborn, and told them I wanted needed to be back at school. They told me I could have a few trial weeks to see how I did.
Then Jon and I broke up, almost immediately after I got to campus. I called my mom, and this time she told me she thought I needed to stay. I was scared of being at Marlboro all by myself, but eventually I agreed with her -- I figured it was better to have things to do than to go home. So it was with poor health, a lot of sadness, and a good amount of Plan terror that this semester started.
And I'd like to say I ended up in a great place, with great health, a mended heart, and complete control of Plan. None of that is true though. But what is true is this:
I'm actually starting to get better. My health problems and symptoms are still there, but they're slowly healing and going away. I no longer freak out when I have an allergic reaction. Sometimes, when I have small ones, I don't even take benadryl, and just calmly wait for it to go away. And I know now that I have OCD and anxiety, and knowledge is power.
Like my health problems, my sadness about that relationship ending is slowly healing too. It's still there. Sometimes it still hurts a lot. But I know so much more now than before, and I try not to dwell on regret.
Plan is CRAZY and I have nightmares about my orals. But I also love it. I love it so much. I love it more than I ever thought I would.
Most importantly, this semester I realized I am not alone at all. I am surrounded by people at Marlboro, people back home, and people all over. I'm packing now, and I just took down cards and letters of support that wonderful people sent me that I tacked on my wall. My family, friends, Plan sponsors, support people, bosses, and doctor stepped in and saved me. They helped me find strength. Thank you all so much for your help. I know now that I'm going to be OK. I can tell myself that and believe it. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
And thank you Harriet, for living in a tiny room with me this semester and staring at me with that look of hatred, and licking my face when I cried (even though we both know you did that because you like salt). You are the best little friend I could ask for, even if you are so very evil.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Bad Plan Dream #2
It's fitting that I have another one of these as the semester ends. I'm starting to stay up late at night, stuck in thought about my projects, orals, summer, and final semester. The result of which, last night, was this:
My orals were happening. Paul and Gloria were there as my sponsors, but no Geraldine, T., or Brian which was terrifying because there was no fiction professor to help me talk about my novel, and no lit professor to help me talk about my paper. Also, I love Gloria she's the the nicest, but I've never taken a class with her and she has zero to do with my Plan.
My outside examiner was a scary woman with angular orange hair. She didn't tell me her name.
I suddenly became aware that the work we were looking at was everything I had managed to half-create Sr. 1 semester. Meaning, my first draft of my novel with 17 pages of my second draft and my not-finished critical paper. Orang-hair-woman asked me one question about the novel, and I thought I answered it pretty well.
That was it. The orals were over, and I didn't leave, they just started talking about my grade. My outside examiner said..."I think...C."
"Really? C?" I said.
"Yes," she said, firmly.
Paul gave me an A and Gloria did too, and then Gloria went to write my final grade on a piece of paper, and instead of writing one letter she wrote, "C, A, B, G, E, F" in bubble letters.
"This isn't how orals are supposed to go!!" I cried.
Paul agreed and told me we'd do them again, and immediately got on the phone and called Geraldine and then started calling new outside examiners. The scary orange-hair-C-woman left and I cowered in a corner.
The end.
I woke up shaking. I hate my subconscious.
My orals were happening. Paul and Gloria were there as my sponsors, but no Geraldine, T., or Brian which was terrifying because there was no fiction professor to help me talk about my novel, and no lit professor to help me talk about my paper. Also, I love Gloria she's the the nicest, but I've never taken a class with her and she has zero to do with my Plan.
My outside examiner was a scary woman with angular orange hair. She didn't tell me her name.
I suddenly became aware that the work we were looking at was everything I had managed to half-create Sr. 1 semester. Meaning, my first draft of my novel with 17 pages of my second draft and my not-finished critical paper. Orang-hair-woman asked me one question about the novel, and I thought I answered it pretty well.
That was it. The orals were over, and I didn't leave, they just started talking about my grade. My outside examiner said..."I think...C."
"Really? C?" I said.
"Yes," she said, firmly.
Paul gave me an A and Gloria did too, and then Gloria went to write my final grade on a piece of paper, and instead of writing one letter she wrote, "C, A, B, G, E, F" in bubble letters.
"This isn't how orals are supposed to go!!" I cried.
Paul agreed and told me we'd do them again, and immediately got on the phone and called Geraldine and then started calling new outside examiners. The scary orange-hair-C-woman left and I cowered in a corner.
The end.
I woke up shaking. I hate my subconscious.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
The End of Senior 1
Classes are over! And of course, the day classes ended I came down with a fever and a sore throat that developed into the worst four days ever with no end in sight. Thanks again, immune system. Always there when I need you.
With the semester technically over, I have one week left at Marlboro before the summer. I'm hoping at least a few days of that will be sans-fever, but history shows that is usually too much to hope for.
Confined to my bed and unable to think or write critically about Shakespeare or Aristotle, I decided to write a little about how Plan is going. Which will be a nice break from re-reading Mockingjay and watching Arrested Development (yes, I'm aware these are awesome past-times. If I wasn't so sick I would be enjoying this a lot more [also, let's be real I just made the Netflix window smaller and am watching AD while writing this]).
So at the end of Sr. 1, here's where I'm at:
1. Novel
Officially calling it a novel now! Not short story or novella or short novel. It's a novel. Huzzah! I've finally started writing the second draft, and I'm writing it in...past tense (GASP!). I'm hoping to have this draft done by the end of June, which will set me up to have a third draft done by the time I mail. Or maybe the second draft will be so good I won't have to write a third! ...I can delude myself, can't I? Shush.
2. Antony and Cleopatra/Plutarch/Aristotle Paper
I got really inspired watching all of the Senior 2s finish their Plan papers. The last two weeks of school I was really grooving on this paper, and working really hard to get it all the way to a state of polished-draft. Unfortunately, when I needed to make that final push, I came down with this yuck. Luckily I'm taking progress grades, so I can submit the paper as-is and then work on it more next week (please please please be semi-healthy by then Molly's body. THANKS). It's getting pretty long now, 30 pages and counting, so that's cool, and I'm actually enjoying writing it, which is even cooler.
3. Lesson Plans and Reflections
So added into my Plan is the week of classes I taught for Geraldine's Shakespeare course. 5% of my Plan is now made-up of 25 pages of my lesson plans and teaching reflections. I have some small edits to do, but it's all drafted and nearly done, which is great. Good job, Past Molly.
4. Independent Project -- Romeo and Juliet Summary Video
I'm working on this over the summer, so nothing much has been done except some decisions on how I want to proceed with the project. But now we're on the cusp of summer (EEP) so after this fever is done it's time to get going. The first step is re-reading Romeo and Juliet and taking notes, and doing some general online investigation of other R + J/Shakespeare summaries. I get to read Sparknotes and No Fear Shakespeare! Which feels really wrong, since I'm a hardcore Shakespeare student, but whatever, it's gonna be fun.
5. London Trip
My trip to London with Paul is May 27th-June 5th, and I could not be more excited. Everything I learn there will, ideally, influence and inform my novel a lot. And I'll probably end-up making some kind of creative reflection essay about the trip (with photos!). We're seeing ALL THE MUSEUMS and ALL THE SHOWS. Highlights include: The Tempest and A Midsummer Night's Dream at The Globe, Othello at the National Theatre, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, and Peter and Alice. I can't believe we're leaving in a little more than two weeks. AHH SO EXCITED IMMUNE SYSTEM GET IT TOGETHER SO I HAVE ALL THE ENERGY!!
So that's Plan! Before I got sick I was feeling really confident about getting it all done. My professors and sponsors and academic all-star coach tell me that I'm in great shape, but it's hard to believe when it feels like there's so much more to do. But all in all, it's been a rough semester and I've drafted most of my Plan in spite of that. I haz a pride.
That's all for now! I'm sure I'll feel compelled to write a soppy post about the non-academic side of the semester ending next week. In the mean time I'll go back to watching Buster Bluth mow down a bunch of children in a soccer game. After that I'll be reading about the 76th Annual Hunger Games (yes, I'm at that point in the book. It's all about to go down. I'd be preparing myself for tears if I wasn't so dehydrated).
NO PRIM NO!!!!!
With the semester technically over, I have one week left at Marlboro before the summer. I'm hoping at least a few days of that will be sans-fever, but history shows that is usually too much to hope for.
Confined to my bed and unable to think or write critically about Shakespeare or Aristotle, I decided to write a little about how Plan is going. Which will be a nice break from re-reading Mockingjay and watching Arrested Development (yes, I'm aware these are awesome past-times. If I wasn't so sick I would be enjoying this a lot more [also, let's be real I just made the Netflix window smaller and am watching AD while writing this]).
So at the end of Sr. 1, here's where I'm at:
1. Novel
Officially calling it a novel now! Not short story or novella or short novel. It's a novel. Huzzah! I've finally started writing the second draft, and I'm writing it in...past tense (GASP!). I'm hoping to have this draft done by the end of June, which will set me up to have a third draft done by the time I mail. Or maybe the second draft will be so good I won't have to write a third! ...I can delude myself, can't I? Shush.
2. Antony and Cleopatra/Plutarch/Aristotle Paper
I got really inspired watching all of the Senior 2s finish their Plan papers. The last two weeks of school I was really grooving on this paper, and working really hard to get it all the way to a state of polished-draft. Unfortunately, when I needed to make that final push, I came down with this yuck. Luckily I'm taking progress grades, so I can submit the paper as-is and then work on it more next week (please please please be semi-healthy by then Molly's body. THANKS). It's getting pretty long now, 30 pages and counting, so that's cool, and I'm actually enjoying writing it, which is even cooler.
3. Lesson Plans and Reflections
So added into my Plan is the week of classes I taught for Geraldine's Shakespeare course. 5% of my Plan is now made-up of 25 pages of my lesson plans and teaching reflections. I have some small edits to do, but it's all drafted and nearly done, which is great. Good job, Past Molly.
4. Independent Project -- Romeo and Juliet Summary Video
I'm working on this over the summer, so nothing much has been done except some decisions on how I want to proceed with the project. But now we're on the cusp of summer (EEP) so after this fever is done it's time to get going. The first step is re-reading Romeo and Juliet and taking notes, and doing some general online investigation of other R + J/Shakespeare summaries. I get to read Sparknotes and No Fear Shakespeare! Which feels really wrong, since I'm a hardcore Shakespeare student, but whatever, it's gonna be fun.
5. London Trip
My trip to London with Paul is May 27th-June 5th, and I could not be more excited. Everything I learn there will, ideally, influence and inform my novel a lot. And I'll probably end-up making some kind of creative reflection essay about the trip (with photos!). We're seeing ALL THE MUSEUMS and ALL THE SHOWS. Highlights include: The Tempest and A Midsummer Night's Dream at The Globe, Othello at the National Theatre, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, and Peter and Alice. I can't believe we're leaving in a little more than two weeks. AHH SO EXCITED IMMUNE SYSTEM GET IT TOGETHER SO I HAVE ALL THE ENERGY!!
So that's Plan! Before I got sick I was feeling really confident about getting it all done. My professors and sponsors and academic all-star coach tell me that I'm in great shape, but it's hard to believe when it feels like there's so much more to do. But all in all, it's been a rough semester and I've drafted most of my Plan in spite of that. I haz a pride.
That's all for now! I'm sure I'll feel compelled to write a soppy post about the non-academic side of the semester ending next week. In the mean time I'll go back to watching Buster Bluth mow down a bunch of children in a soccer game. After that I'll be reading about the 76th Annual Hunger Games (yes, I'm at that point in the book. It's all about to go down. I'd be preparing myself for tears if I wasn't so dehydrated).
NO PRIM NO!!!!!
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